Traditionally the ‘unclean’ ones. who have not crossed over into Neptunes realm. are know as ‘Pollywogs’ and those who have are the ‘Trusty Shelbacks’. The sins of the Pollys are collected and a set of charges are put together, which they have the option to plead guilty or alternatively guilty. Either way they are stuffed!
Queen Neptune
Preparations were ongoing for a while leading up to this event with neptunes glamorous wife making herself particularly ravishing this year. The police force were recruited and all dressed rather fetchingly in blue overalls with smurf type headwear (still not sure of that) – these featuring Gavin, Paul Mann and also
Police and RoboCop
Bruce from the USA, who brought some marshall law to the proceedings. I was the Chief of Police, not that it was possible to control the rampant mob when we started hunting the pollywogs down. Oh yes, and Robocop made an appearance.
The captain, Jerry Burgan, welcomed Neptune and his entourage to the ship with the traditional welcome and all proceeded to the starboard side deck where the court had been set up. The Pollywogs, who had become an organised group over the last few days and with headbands defiantly displaying ‘pollywog rebellion’, all disappeared to hide from the trusty police force who were given their instructions before they were unleashed to hunt the sinners down. All the while
Manuela's judgement
Mr and Mrs Neptune waited, sipping tea and nibbling cakes. And so it was off around the ship – first to be found was Martin from Warwick Uni. He was well armed with water bombs, but a pincer movement soon had him under control and the yellow gaffer tape (yes we do have some left Prof. Liddicoat) had him bound up to avoid escape. Manuela was the first to reach the judge though and hear her crimes, she resisted but in the end was despatched according to custom.
The police were is a savage mood that afternoon but the Polly’s put up, in some cases, an impressive struggle against superior forces. I am indeed still bruised from the repeated kicks from Jo as she was
Carolyn's punishment
wrestled down 3 flights of steps to the court by 5 of the police force. Carolyn was next to be tried fairly and found guilty of course. And so the sinners were caught one-by-one and dragged, some willingly and others not so, to the place of judgement. The actual court consists of the reading of the charges, these ranging from ‘being Welsh’ with Nerys the Doctor, to ‘ wanting breakfast in bed’ from Mario our POGO student. On being found guilty, and of course the court is very fair, the barber cuts off the ceremonial lock of hair (would be difficult in my case!), and the gunge is applied as a punushment. Following that the doctor adminsters the medicine (9 parts tabasco, 1 part vegatable oil – see ‘Delia cooks up a storm at Sea’, page 47). After the medicine then they pay homage to Neptune and his lovely lady,
Kissing the kipper
which is done by ‘kissing the kipper’. After the kipper then its off to the aft deck to be hosed down by the ships fire-hose, and my goodness do they need it! Jeremy from the Natural History Museum in fact got ‘done’ twice as he would not shut up during the ceremony for the others. The deck of the JCR became, shall we say, a bit of a mess and the occassional resistance resulted in an innocent bystander being dragged through the gunge. So finally when all were caught and duly despatched there was one small late surprise for the newest of
Never be last
the engineers who had joined the ship direct from a cruise liner and had not time to get his ‘line’ certificate hence saving him from the court. So, basically stitched up by his officer colleagues poor Johnny was duly found guilty and ‘done’, but the rule is always ‘never be last’ because you get what’s left.
After many showers, and rumour has it that Mario was in the shower for 30 minutes as he still smelled of the gunge, and when all were smelling sweet again there was an on-deck dinner and a few beers to wash the taste away.
A great day, with thanks to the catering team and all who took part.
Welcome to Neptunes Kingdom you Trusty Shelbacks !!